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Mystique missing from these Cowboys

By RAY RATTO

San Francisco Examiner

The chart in Monday's Dallas Morning News told us that the Cowboys, the city's only real industry, are 3-1 after Troy Aikman concussions.

Now there's a number any statistician would be proud to extrapolate. The 'Boys are 1-0 in preseason games after the ringing in Aikman's skull stops, 1-1 in the regular season and 1-0 in Super Bowls. His completion percentage is 68.5, his average yards per attempt is 11.9, and his touchdown-to-interception ratio is 4:1.

By these numbers, we can expect Barry Switzer to sneak upon Aikman with a pipe wrench sometime this week, all in seeking out that extra edge against the 49ers.

The central point here is, while we worry our pointy heads flat over the true nature of the 49ers after a high-fat, low-nutrition schedule, the Cowboys are worried about getting through Sunday without dropping out of the playoff race.

Sort of sucks the fun out of Sunday's game now, doesn't it?

We don't ask a lot of the Dallas Cowboys around here. Just that they be the biggest, baddest, oldest, brashest enemy the 49ers have. None of their other foes, your Green Bays, your Carolinas, your Oaklands, can deliver all that in such large portions.

Thus, to come to Game 9 after such a long stretch of simulated games, and find out that the Cowboys are no better than, say, Detroit, is sort of a kick in the teeth to those of you who have been looking forward to this weekend since the schedule came out. The Cowboys at .500 aren't the Cowboys any of you bargained for. You deserve better.

The Cowboys have already been analyzed down to the last chin strap. The offensive line is shot, Emmitt Smith is playing with a little "refuel soon" light illuminated on his forehead, the offense is living and dying on a kicker named Richie Cunningham, and Switzer is being scaped out for goathood. The Cowboys are 4-4, the same record as Philadelphia, Washington, Detroit, Carolina, Buffalo, Baltimore, Tennessee and San Diego. They are winless against their own division rivals, the same success rate as Chicago, New Orleans, Indianapolis and Cincinnati. They lost to the routinely gruesome Cardinals, and even more revoltingly to a Kevin Butler field goal.

And Deion Sanders (Reformed) has only one return touchdown.

No wonder the Cowboys are trying to find some solace in Aikman's throbbing melon.

This is where you, as a loyal 49ers fan, rise to point out that the the last time the 49ers hosted the Cowboys in a game that could have buried Dallas, the visitors won, 20-17, in overtime, and the entirety of Northern California lived the rest of the 1996 season in shame and humiliation.

Still, while the 49ers wonder about their strength relative to real NFL teams, and while the Bay Area gets all whacked out preparing for the latest "DallasMust Be Destroyed" game, the Cowboys themselves wonder only about one thing -- how to get out of where they're at before they get in any deeper.

The 49ers? Well, if you have to dig yourself out of a hole you may as well start with the biggest rock you can find. Especially when you're not sure you can beat Arizona the second time.

That doesn't do you as a fan much good though, does it? You want Nate Newton to talk about those effete sissies from the Bay Area. You want Michael Irvin laughing at your cornerbacks. You want Barry Switzer at his bullnecked blaring best. And you want Jerry Jones saying something impolite, crude and borderline slanderous about Carmen Policy. Or vice versa. Just to get your blood to boiling before Sunday church, and when we say Sunday church, we are of course talking about game time.

You can't get that when you're trying to get some space between you and the Redskins for a wildcard berth.

Now you may think you can still attain fulfillment by ignoring Dallas' current situation and pretending they are the Cowboys of the early '90s. You may find Sunday's game goes down better if you fool yourself into hating the Cowboys based solely upon their cultural position. You might even take solace in the fact that despite their newfound respect for law and order they are still remembered largely as unrepentant lawbreakers who ought to be making big rocks into little ones.

But you're just lying to yourself. These are different Cowboys than the ones you want to see Sunday. Jay Novacek is gone, so is Charles Haley, and Daryl Johnston is not far behind. Irvin can't free himself of quadruple coverage, and Anthony Miller is turning out to be Alvin Harper -- the Alvin Harper you saw in Tampa. Smith has one touchdown and one 100-yard game, which makes him as prolific as people like Charles Evans and Steve Broussard, if that's your idea of the Hall of Fame.

And Aikman has that dialtone going on between his ears. Next to him, Steve Young is Ironhead Heyward.

It is, of course, not out of the question for Dallas to win Sunday. Weirder things have happened, and often. This wouldn't be nearly as far fetched as the Bears beating the Dolphins Monday, not by a longshot.

Still, most of the fun in this rivalry has been in the build up, and the Cowboys are just plain 4-4. That won't do. That just won't do.

So, in case this will help, Troy Aikman is coming off a concussion, and Dallas is never more dangerous than when the contents of an aviary are circling his helmet. Look, it's as good as we can do, OK? If you want a real showdown game, the Vikings come to town in December.

Still, most of the fun in this rivalry has been in the buildup, and the Cowboys are just plain 4-4. That won't do.

(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service.)