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Saturday, August 23, 1997

A Cowboys soap-opera fantasy: Here's how it might play out on prime-time TV

By Richie Whitt

Knight-Ridder Newspapers

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN PHANTASM AND TRANSPONDER 6 - If Tom Landry were dead, he'd be rolling in his grave. Instead, like the rest of the free fantasy world, he's glued to his TV.

As did its ascendant "Dallas" in the 1980s, "Cowboys: Sex, Drugs and Super Bowl" has a prime-time stranglehold on viewers and ratings in the '90s.

What "Dallas" patriarch J.R. Ewing began as the power-hungry, unscrupulous son of a wildly wealthy oil wildcatter, "Cowboys" monarch Jerry Jones is enthusiastically multiplying with all the essential elements: larger-than-life star characters, money, sex, corruption, more money and football, all brought to you by the good folks at American Express, Nike and Pepsi.

Fans of "Dallas" not only watch "Cowboys," they worship it.

There are, of course, subtle changes. The setting has shifted from Southfork Ranch to Valley Ranch, from sprawling green acreage to the notorious White House. In an unkind, ungentle world, the common mystery has switched from "Who Shot J.R.?" to "Who Got Arrested?" Even "Dallas' " widely popular instrumental theme song has gone the way of Dennis Rodman rapping the new intro "As Bad As They Wanna Be."

Jones has crawled comfortably into J.R.'s slimy skin, and quarterback Troy Aikman conjures up images of straight-laced hero Bobby Ewing, but flashbacks to dynasty developers Tex Schramm, Clint Murchison and Landry remain alive only through the miracle of syndication and the mouth of John Facenda.

"Dallas" original characters Ray Krebbs and Cliff Barnes have been replaced by the likes of "Cowboys" co-stars Stephen Jones and Larry Lacewell. And fans who once loved Sue Ellen, Pam Ewing and Lucy Cooper are learning to loathe gold-digging seductresses Nina Shahravan, Rachelle Smith and Angela Beck.

Whether America's Team or America's Most Wanted, the "Cowboys" saga has built its reputation and stockpiled its audience by selling winning, at any cost and by any rules. If nothing else, that staple is sure to return unchanged.

A fall sneak preview of the most popular, preposterous cast of characters driving fantasy television's most attractive, absurd dramatic soap opera:

Aug. 31 at Pittsburgh: Raucous opener features star cornerback/baseball part-timer Deion Sanders, still woozy after taking a fly ball off his head, arriving five minutes before kickoff weighing a rotund 250 pounds. "Didn't the commercial say 'It's OK to be fat'?" asks a groggy Sanders, pointing to the Nike swoosh pin on Jones' lapel. Cowboys lose, 14-12, as rookies Richie Cunningham and Toby Gowin combine to miss four field-goal attempts, two extra points and average minus-7 yards punting. "I don't care what his background is, we have to get a dependable kicker," Stephen Jones promises. Episode fades with Rafael Septien answering an urgent phone call.

Sept. 7 at Arizona: Spine-tingling show opens with Cowboys again flattening Cardinals, 31-7. The embarrassment prompts a postgame nervous breakdown from bow-tied Arizona owner Bill Bidwill, who hasn't defeated his nemesis Jones in nine years. In a rambling diatribe, Bidwill reveals that Jones is actually the illegitimate son of Oakland Raiders Hall of Fame owner Al Davis. "He is indeed my father, i.e., my daddy," says Jones, who promptly drops his pants to reveal a "Men In Black" tattoo on his left buttock. "Certainly, it's time to unmask Dark Raider."

Sept. 15 vs. Philadelphia: It's Monday Night Madness as Charles Haley - retired and bored - urinates on the gun rack of coach Barry Switzer's Harley-Davidson before riding naked through the Corral on a horse snatched from the halftime show. As the converted Mir blimp shows police pursuing the galloping Haley down Texas 183, ABC's Al Michaels relays that "the suspect is believed to be involved in a low-speed chase, fleeing on a white bronco." Septien kicks seven field goals in 21-20 win.

Sept. 21 Bye: September sweeps features a highly anticipated, controversial episode as rumors swirl that Ellen DeGeneres will come out of the other door of the closet and start dating Aikman. Instead, it's only equipment manager Mike McCord who pops out with another load of dirty socks and jocks and an armful of dice, Chinese flying stars and hand grenades gathered from the players' lunchroom. Aikman reiterates the obvious truth about his heterosexuality, though a spicy dream sequence that alternates between him mugging with Morganna and slapping Skip Bayless keeps the most stubbornly cynical viewers undecided.

Sept. 28 vs. Chicago: Bizarre role-playing and job juggling dominate this segment as a healthy, bald Emmitt Smith professes his pursuit of 2,000 yards rushing in a 28-13 win. A mentally unstable, leather-clad Pat Boone then professes his transition to heavy metal music during a shocking halftime concert. The fiasco escalates with daughter Debbie professing a career change to undercover surveillance, hinting that she possesses the pivotal audio tapes of Nate Newton and his estranged mistress. The morning after chasing Debbie out of the Texas Stadium parking lot shouting "Do you or don't you?," show ends with an aghast Newton picking up a "Sports Illustrated" cover titled "Debbie Does, Dallas!"

Oct. 13 at Washington: In a stunning philosophical reverse, Jones fires image consultants Calvin and Janet Hill and replaces traditional cheerleaders with Beck, Smith, Shahravan and The Spice Girls outfitted in Nike stiletto-heeled pumps, American Express-card string bikini tops and Pepsi-logo G-strings. "I'm really impressed with those girls, I mean 'Boys," says ABC commentator Frank Gifford, who repeatedly refers to the Redskins as "the Rendezvous" in the Cowboys' nationally televised 24-21 loss. NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue retracts lawsuit No. 62 against Jones after being apprised of the impossibly high overnight ratings.

Oct. 26 at Philadelphia: A typically unruly Veterans Stadium crowd unfurls a huge "COWBOYS: Cocaine Or Weapons Buys Off Young Strippers" sign, then pelts former Olympic heroine Kerri Strug with Ace bandages wrapped around batteries after her squeaky rendition of the national anthem. Free-agent defector Chris Boniol kicks the decisive field goal out of Lin Elliott's hold from Roger Ruzek's snap and is mugged by teammates, including kicking coach Ken Willis after the Eagles' 17-14 win.

Nov. 2 at San Francisco: Expect heavy promos for this annual showdown episode. Niners pump up their players with the presence of psychologist Dr. Harry Edwards; Cowboys threaten theirs with an appearance from psycho doctor Jack Kevorkian. In one of the darkest moments in the show's history, a 28-6 shellacking is punctuated when 49ers coach Steve Mariucci coaxes a mundane mutt to outthink Switzer in a game of tic-tac-toe in the 3Com mud. Pulled briefly from retirement, Don Meredith sings "Turn out the lights, it's smarty Rover."

Nov. 9 vs. Arizona: His team dilly-dallying at 5-4, Jones grows desperate in this tear-jerker. He first pledges $43 million to Pudge Rodriguez as a go-to receiver. The experiment backfires when Pudge catches a down-and-out, but then is ejected for nailing Aeneas Williams in the back of the head with a snap throw. Shawn Bradley gets a tryout as a 7-foot-6 center but knocks Aikman unconscious when his snap drills the dwarfed "man under" in the forehelmet. Mike Modano's stint during his hockey holdout is impressive, yet short-lived as his three scores are each waved off because of offside in a 17-9 win.

Nov. 16 vs. Washington: It's dramatic plot-twist time as Jones announces he is suing the NFL on grounds of "too many rules." Lacewell then reveals that one of Jones' old cronies is back in town to collect payment on a loan to the owner during the infamous Arkansas natural gas rush of 1980. "I don't care how many lawsuits Erik Williams has going," says John Spano, "I've got bills to pay!" Despite a 27-14 victory, Switzer blasts tight ends David LaFleur and Eric Bjornson as "damn foreigners" and puts together a short list of replacements headed by retired Oklahoma alum Keith Jackson and New Orleans Saints coach Mike Ditka.

Nov. 23 at Green Bay: Despair and dissension run amok in this show as the Packers pound the Cowboys, 24-7, on a minus-30- Lambeau Field day that sees coach Mike Holmgrem paint "Finally" across his bare chest and Michael Irvin run half-hearted pass routes in his full-length fur coat. Leon Lett's hefty hiney actually freezes to the team's bench, forcing him to be air-lifted back to Dallas in the same cargo apparatus used to transport the star of "Free Willy." The Spice Girls resign on the spot when Jones refuses to let them wear anything warmer than gloves.

Nov. 27 vs. Tennessee: A soul-searching episode opens with an angry Switzer blaming a shaky 17-13 victory on a nauseating Thanksgiving lunch, upon which Jones immediately bans players from all Stuckey's roadside cafes/truck stops/pecan log havens. Tony Hill and Anita Hill, hired as replacements for Calvin and Janet, suggest that offenders be punished by interviewing Albert Belle, being interviewed by Marv Albert, or accompanying Mike Tyson and his new promoter, Crazy Ray, on a cannibalism safari.

Dec. 21 vs. NY Giants: Convincing 35-0 blowout caps six wins in the last seven games for an 11-5 record, allowing Jones almost a Zen Christmas calm in this feel-good show. He completes trade for Pudge by making Herschel a Walker, Texas Ranger. "Teams keep giving up on Herschel," says Walker, "but Herschel can play a lot of positions." His ballet and bobsled potentials, however, again go untapped.

Divisional playoff vs. Carolina: It's the obligatory old-faces-in-new-places scene. Fired at Channel 8 for trimming nightly Cowboys coverage from seven minutes to 6:55, Dale Hansen is hired at Fox to replace John Madden, whom Jones has hired as the organization's first Famous Fat Guy in Charge of Stuff. Hansen's network career is quickly snuffed, terminated after pregame warmups in which he tries to stick his adoring tongue through Aikman's earhole and his angry fist down Switzer's throat. Cowboys win, 21-10.

NFC Championship at Green Bay: Epic episode bolts onto the screen with Irvin delivering a moving "Bend One for the Tipper" speech while pleading with teammates for more folded $1 bills at The Men's Club. Hours later, Switzer is arrested at D/FW Airport after police confiscate materials and blueprints to build an atom bomb from his OU duffle bag. "Last time up north it got colder than Iowa State," says Switzer. "I was gonna pack heat this time. But the kids spread the stuff all over and the phone rang. ... you know how you get started packing an atom bomb and then it kinda slips your mind." Despite playing without a head coach the next day, Irvin sheds his mink long enough for a game-winning catch in a 30-27 win that propels the Cowboys into Super Bowl XXXII against the Miami Dolphins and coach Jimmy Johnson. "It's better to be a playmaker," Irvin says, "than a (license) plate-maker." After firing Switzer, Jones ponders his other "500" viable head coach candidates for almost a full three seconds before naming himself.

Super Bowl XXXII vs. Miami: Beginning a spirited two-week bantering of buildup to the game dubbed The Spare (Jones) vs. The Hair (Johnson), Switzer opens the season's final presentation with a live news conference from Lew Sterret Jail. From there, he launches the sequel to his "Bootlegger's Boy" book, titled "Dangerous Dad". In the excerpts, Switzer swears he shares a cell with former Dallas policeman Johnny Hernandez, recently charged with partially paying a hit man to knock off Ernie Irvan, Julius Erving and Irving Berlin. Old pals Jones and Johnson also launch pregame salvos. Jones vows to intimidate the Dolphins by lining up everyone from Tiger Woods to Prince Bandar to Jerry Glanville along his sideline. Johnson counters by threatening to leave tickets and a microphone for Brad Sham and by challenging Jones to a game of one-on-one "out on the asthma field." Like all Cowboys cliffhangers, the climax should be worth the wait. But all producers will leak for now is that the dramatic final episode includes a blocked field goal, Janine Turner, a Hale-Bopp comet cameo, Irv Cross, dueling Gatorade dumps and a late UPS delivery. The closing scene dissolves with Aikman showing off a new?/old? Super Bowl ring to a woman who resembles Melissa Etheridge in the corner booth at Stuckey's.

Cue The Worm. Roll the credits.

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(c) 1997, Fort Worth Star-Telegram

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