No photos printed of nine-tentacled, man-eating octopi
....By Bill Whitaker
Once again we standard-bearers of the press have been scooped.
Right or wrong, folks in Abilene and beyond are still picking
apart the tabloid tale about Clinton advisor Dick Morris hooking
up with a $200-a-day prostitute and letting her in on such curious
national secrets as the first lady's convention speech on family
values.
Only after it appeared in the supermarket tabloid Star did everyone
else and their dog scramble to pick up the sordid story - and
thus another powerful figure on America's political scene crashed
and burned.
Which goes to show how crucial these supermarket tabloids really
are in exposing the true stuff.
Remember how Gary Hart's aspirations went heave-ho after his fling
with Donna Rice was deliciously illustrated with photographic
evidence in a tabloid? The Miami Herald only wrote about it. (And,
incidentally, I also frolicked foolishly with Donna, several years
before Hart, but thus far it hasn't derailed my career.)
Presidential contender Bill Clinton, four years ago, had to contend
with the Gennifer Flowers tabloid tale. It didn't knock him out
of the race but did force the candidate and Hillary to reaffirm
their marriage - and on prime-time TV, for everyone to see.
So what else are we in the daily newspaper business missing because
we refuse to acknowledge the veracity of tabloids?
Here's a sample:
--- Weekly World News has an amazing story out of Philadelphia
about a doctor who's kept his wife's severed head alive and at
home for seven years now. He's built a life-support system to
accommodate wife Brenda after cancer destroyed her body.
The article even has photos. Is more proof needed?
Although the doctor's wife's head refused to be interviewed for
the story, Dr. Truman Doughtrie insisted she does have the power
of speech, thanks to an artificial voice box he has assembled.
"She always was very shy, even when she had a full body,"
he explained.
--- "Today Show" host Katie Couric probably wanted to
toilet-paper offices of the Star after they wrote about her being
a slob and a tightwad. The story supposedly comes from her nanny,
which means it's all true.
"She drinks milk straight from the carton with the refrigerator
door hanging open," the nanny said.
"She eats ice cream and has to be told to wipe the chocolate
mustache off her face. She peels off her clothes in one motion
and leaves them wherever they land."
Most shockingly, if she ran out of clean underwear while traveling
with "The Today Show," she'd "just turn them inside-out."
Supposedly, other members of her household did everything but
take bets on how long she'd tolerate a bathroom without certain
vital accessories.
Six weeks.
--- World Wide News tells us Noah's Ark was not only built by
space aliens but brought to earth virtually express mail so Noah
could save his family and all the animals on earth.
However, Turkish scholar Dr. Sabah Ozdikir, who has studied and
searched for Noah's Ark almost as long as Jack Grimm has, at least
goes to pains to reassure Christians their Bibles are not in need
of too much updating.
It's just that Noah was lots slower building that ark than the
coming flood waters would permit.
"We believe," Dr. Ozdikir said after studying hieroglyphics
on some carvings, "that God, seeing Noah's plight, told the
space beings to deliver the ark to earth."
Incidentally, this is the very same news source that insisted
earth was bombarded by desperate messages from Jupiter just before
all those comet fragments hit it. It's only a guess, of course,
but quite possibly the space aliens just wanted their ark back.
Other goodies this past week concern Key Largo marine biologists
finding 30-foot, sharp-toothed, man-killing octopi (except these
have nine tentacles each); comedian Rosie O'Donnell's 10-bedroom
mansion being haunted by the ghost of Helen Hunt's long-dead,
limelight-loving daughter; and a survey that showed 48 percent
of all men would say nothing whatsoever to their wives if they
accidentally knocked their wives' toothbrushes into the toilet.
Only one of these stories seems even remotely credible.
Bill Whitaker, who longs to see a nine-tentacled octopus, can
be reached by calling 670-5293, ext. 325. Or e-mail him at whithous@abilene.com.
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1997, Abilene Reporter-News / Texnews / E.W. Scripps. Publications
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